Hey everyone, for the final edition of the semester, I've collected several answers to the same question: What is your approach to difficult conversations? How do you prepare? I chose that because this is the time of the semester when a lot of tough conversations happen, but I'm also realizing it's a little bit of a gratitude post. In case it's not obvious, one of the reasons I love doing this is that I always end up with an idea about how I could do some aspect of my job better. It feels a little like crowd sourcing a new mentor. Anyway, feeling very grateful. Thanks so much for playing along.
From The Dean's List #22
It depends on the situation. Depends on what the problem is, but I'm always thinking about whether the issue is the real issue, because it almost never is. You know, somebody got in an argument or whatever the issue is that you're dealing with. It's not the argument, it's the 20 confrontations or potential confrontations, or it’s what somebody thought ahead of time, preconceived ideas. It's lack of communication almost every time. They're either not feeling that somebody cares enough about them to make that communication or not feeling empowered or like their job matters.
From The Dean's List #30
I diagram out my opening statements. I write out why we're here, what we need to accomplish and what the issue is. From there, I try to figure out where they're going to go and how I might respond to that. The other part of that is recognizing that I need to be flexible and I may need to pivot because I got more information than I had when I started. There have been plenty of times where I was going to give somebody a counseling memo or letter of reprimand or something, and then as I'm talking to them, I come to realize it's not that simple. I need not to be stuck on the idea that this is the path that I have to take. Sometimes it's just recognizing that the message is the important piece. With an employee that's redeemable, a shot across the bow can be way more effective. When they know they're deserving of some sort of discipline and you show some compassion, that's another thing that helps inspire loyalty. I'm not advocating not following the letter of the law, but I think infusing some humanity is critical.
From The Dean's List #31
Like everyone else, I don't like having those types of conversations. I have a tendency to write things out a lot. I tend to be very legalistic in how I write things down–careful is what I mean. What I usually try to do is unpack why it's difficult and then what I'm saying and why I'm saying it, just to try to get to how I’ll say it to the person. ‘This is what the issue is, this is what the repercussions are, and this is what we need to change.’ I’ll also say we're relatively fortunate that, while we do have to have those conversations, we don't have to have them a lot.
From The Dean's List #34
I definitely prepare for them. I was working on one yesterday. I try to organize my thoughts in such a way that, 'These are the three things that I want to cover.' I always try to focus on questions. One of my go-to phrases is, ‘Here's something I'll ask you to reflect on,’ and then I'll tell them whatever that is. Like, ‘Here's something that I'll ask you to reflect on: How do you think it makes you look when you send an email to our chief academic officer that was obviously rushed and that you did while you were angry, and you made two, maybe three typographical errors? How do you think that makes you look? I'm not asking you to answer that question. I'm just asking you to reflect on it."
From The Dean's List #36
My approach is to try and not make assumptions about what is happening or about a person's motivation. Instead, I try to figure out from talking to them what their perspective is, why something is going on. Part of that is expecting the best, or just realizing that everyone has a life and their own situation. There could be many, many reasons why something unhelpful or inappropriate has happened. Another approach is — and I'm not always successful at this — but turning the lens on me and thinking, ‘OK, where did I fail in communication?’ Because I'm also making assumptions about myself: “Oh, I'm so transparent. I'm so clear. I expect this and that.” Then I realize — when have I actually said what my expectation was? When have I laid that out for the whole group?
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Something to think about:
5-minute video: Modern Leaders are Translators
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